NOTE: This is a backlog of my notes from SPFBO9. It may look a little rough. My apologies!
You can read my final thoughts on the contest here: Tom Mock’s SPFBO9’s Opening Reads Final Thoughts | JamReads – Making your TBR closer to infinite
- Gerard Howard, The Fractured God
“Floundering”? Pacing isn’t floundering. Don’t just use words because they sound writerly.
There is an incongruity in these stories sometimes where an author wants to write in an elevated, archaic style, but a colloquial modernism creeps into the dialogue. It makes me cringe every time.
We have a prologue where an important group are discussing something important, but the Thing is completely withheld from me. Without context, all their patter feels trivial.
Although this prologue has held me at arms length. I’m giving ch.1 a chance, briefly…
”Unique,” awkward imagery. Off-pityingly “realistic” dialogue. Odd approach to description.
I have a feeling this is a very creative story full of original characters and ideas. I think the author took a bit swing at this. However …
The prose is trying too hard to be clever/unique all of the time, and that is making it difficult to parse. At the same time it can be clunky. Ch1. opens on a more interesting scene, but I’m fighting to enjoy it. Pass.
- Em McDermott, The Woods
A simple, striking title, but the prose here is bogged down by the POV of the character and what they can/can’t see instead of clearly setting a scene.
The scene is also too often interrupted by abstraction – meaning our 1st person narrator takes a break from the paragraph or two of description and action to talk about herself/the setting.
I’m interested in the unique setting of this red riding hood esq fairytale (the little that I’m understanding), but little else. I don’t want over 400 pages of this. Pass.
- (James Lloyd Dulin, No Heart For A Thief)
Slightly odd opening paragraph. That familiar tendency of an author trying invent a clever turn of phrase instead of opening with clarity… I’m stuttering through this first page or two, but our MC is in action now & that helps
There continued to be an awkwardness in the narration that I have encountered before. Rather than clarity, our author is drawn to “writerly” uniqueness.
That said, I feel there is an interesting setting here of different groups at odds. Spirits are wailing, but I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. There is a contrived collision – is our MC deaf?
The prose continues to be overwritten. Verb variation without precision doesn’t make good writing. The sudden pain of an impact doesn’t “crawl” across your body.
I think this author is talented. Their dialogue has character and purpose. The conceit of the story seems interesting. The ideas are good!
But the action of this opening is too often interrupted with narrative asides that make the action seem unimportant. The prose is overwritten, a bit awkward. The problem our MC finds himself in is contrived.
I own this book already, so I’ll have a chance to see if it improves later. This author has something. But they need to learn to settle down and write with a steadier hand. And don’t we all? Pass.
- (Simone Snaith, The Quavering Air)
This book has no available ebook, or preview. I can only assume the author does not want me to read it. I am happy to oblige. Pass. - (C.E. Page, A Song Of Sorrow)
The prose begins purple, but the central image of the opening paragraph and how it is connected to our MC to reveal an important detail about her that will be central to our story shows this author’s competence.
There is a wonderful patience to the storytelling. Trees and vines, fish scales and sunlight, loneliness. Our MC is earnest and sad. I already feel connected to her.
She has a brother who is not here. Why is he not here? Will he never be here again? I am worried for our MC that the answers to these questions are not happy answers.
… they are not.
There is a maturity to the emotion of this story. In a matter of pages, the author has won my absolute confidence. This novel has 10 ratings on goodreads. It will have more. I’m in!
A Song of Sorrow (Isles of Bright and Shadow #1) by C.E. Page | Goodreads
- B.N. Reele, Vanishing Ink
Though listed as New Adult, this book is reading more like middle grade. It’s a bit childish in its narration & the MCs self-talk.
It’s quite short and might be a nice little read, if a little clunky, but this opening isn’t pulling me in. I’ll pass.
It may be useful to know that you don’t have to narrate the mechanics of characters’ actions. Just give me the action & it will make your prose feel less redundant – less constipated. Examples:
He (reached up with his right hand and) took off his hat.
She (grasped the doorknob in her hand and) tried to open the door.
He knocked loudly (with his fist).
You CAN be more detailed if there is some novelty to the action:
He reached up with his foot and took off his hat.
He knocked loudly with the end of his cane.
- Michelle Piper, Prince of Innocence
Good opening line, followed by some interesting imagery, but I can’t tell if the shadow things are real or metaphor. One is interesting. The other is disappointing. My confusion is a problem.
There is something I’m not enjoying about this, but my critique is difficult to articulate. Facial expressions are doing too much work in this opening. They leap through stark changes.
There is also a quality to this prose that feels like the author is describing a film they’re watching, but prose and cinema have different strengths.
They add weight to moments differently. Film can pause for a long time on characters eyeing each other. It can let us watch their faces. We can see the world in their eyes. It doesn’t work the same in fiction.
There is something odd about what this author is choosing to emphasize & when. I find myself wanting to cut a page of words out of the first three pages.
I also feel the narrative voice is looking in on this world as a stranger, rather than being immersed in it. I get little depth of insight. It is very surface oriented.
Someone else may be intrigued by this. I want to read more, but mostly to better understand why it isn’t working for me. Pass.
- Zachery Kekac @ZKekac, THE WAYFARER
There is a grandeur to this deserving of the name Fantasy. Huge waves shake the foundations of the land. On a sheltered isle of dark stone sits an asylum whose inmates could unmake the world…
Our MC himself has a mind that is degrading, but there is a shadow of himself that guides him through his madness.
The first paragraphs and pages have perhaps too much abstraction. The story NOW does not even quite begin before we are whisked away into a memory from our MC’s fractured mind.
But, it doesn’t introduce some interesting questions: how did our MC get this way & what will he do? How is the author going to handle a character like this?
What kind of story is this going to shape out to be? I’m very interested in the uniqueness of the story’s potential. It could all fall apart so easily, but I’m in!
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/58950885-the-wayfarer
- Shelly Campbell, Under The Lesser Moon
Good sense of narrative voice, but we begin melodramatically. People are arguing, but the author is forcing the dialogue – wailed, rumbled, barked, sobbed – not a said in sight.
It’s too much for me. The effect of all these affected dialogue tags stacked up one after the other is like watching soap opera overacting.
What they’re arguing about is also very on the nose. That isn’t bad in and of itself, but put these things together and we have a beginning lacking in finesse.
That said, I think this author is talented. There’s a section of evocative description. It’s creepy, and the most interesting thing in this chapter by far, but it’s also a dream…
I have no sense what it has to do with anything. I’m not enjoying any of the characters, nor our child MC’s thoughts.
Storytelling and character are what I’m doubting here. Every instant so far is also given unnecessarily equal weight. The images are strong, but undeservedly so. Pass.
Tom Mock 
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