Tom Mock

NOTE: This is a backlog of my notes from SPFBO9. It may look a little rough. My apologies!

You can read my final thoughts on the contest here: Tom Mock’s SPFBO9’s Opening Reads Final Thoughts | JamReads – Making your TBR closer to infinite

110. Michael R. Schultheiss, The Altar of My Fate
     A party of horsemen and their ogre-hounds chance down a concubine who murdered one of their kinsmen in this uniquely detailed fantasy.

The specificity of detail in this, along with the immediacy of our MC’s goal, drew me irresistibly into the story. The setting comes to life in all of the accoutrements the characters where, and the magic they use.

The killing of their kinsman also raises an intriguing question – did the concubine really kill him, and, more importantly, why? She isn’t fleeing alone, after all.

The world details may begin to feel a little crowded through the dialogue section of this opening. I can only take on so much information at once, and the political orientation of the different characters remains confusing for me.

That said, the prose here is strong, the world feels grounded and very well thought out, and I want to know what will happen as our hunters catch up to their prize.

I also want to know more about these very interesting magical artifacts our hunters are using – these wrist bands with disks of colored glass. I’m in.

I recommend this to all every author, just to see how well Schultheiss tells the reader things to orient the reader in the story. Simple and wonderfully effective.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/59967393-the-altar-of-my-fate

111. Andrew D Meredith, Deathless Beast
     I didn’t expect to have as much trouble with this opening as I did. This is from a fellow past SPFBO semi-finalist, but I’m really at a loss.

I don’t feel like I can evaluate this story at all because I simply do not understand what I’m reading. The prologue starts with 3 (for the moment) unnamed characters talking about politics without any context. A lot of politics.

I’m battered over the head with one nations(?) name after another with no explanation of what any of them are. Characters are mentioned. Oblique reference to motivations are made. I can’t keep up with any of it, nor who is speaking.

The writing isn’t bad necessarily, but from a story standpoint this is really, sincerely, a failure. I would rather have an extremely dry, but clear information dump to this prologue. I would rather have a list of names and places.

There is something to be said for dropping the reader right into dialogue, and using characters to deliver exposition. But the thing is, they have to actually deliver exposition. This is just name dropping.

I do gather some faint details. There is some kind of war brewing. Maybe there is some kind of knights’ Templar conspiracy? I don’t know. I’m not sure who these characters are or why they’re meeting or what’s important.

It’s very possible this prologue will serve as a kind of Greek chorus that sets up some things, and that Ch.1 begins much more grounded and engaging. It even begins to look like this prologue becomes more grounded, but…

It feels like too little too late to me. I’m laboring through the pages too much. If I was reading only for pleasure, maybe I would be more willing to stick it out. Maybe. But for this gloss I’m doing of the blog-off, this is a pass.

Day 37 of my #SPFBO9 opening reads and I have 2/3 more titles I’m interested in seeing more of. Both have steady starts that seem unique to me.

Anyone who would like to know a title I’ve passed on so they can look at it themselves, feel free to ask.

112. Felix Taylor @FelixTa58362827, Crown of Rebellion
     A young healer apprentices to a dwarf medicine man rushes to save medical books from a terrible storm hammering their island, which reminds me of A Wizard of Earthsea.

The opening is immediate and effective. Our MC is an earnest character, and that makes him appealing, and he has a real concern – their texts will be destroyed by the storm if they don’t hurry back to their village.

I get a good sense of our MC’s relationship with his master in a short time. I think some of their dialogue could have been more pointed re: storm & books, but it was engaging nonetheless & helped me understand where I was.

The elemental details of the wind and the snow and crashing waves on the rocks were immersive and gave this opening some good energy.

I do find out MC’s emotions to be a little overwritten – his urgency seems to be distracted at times by sighs, huffs, and one unrelated musing – but nonetheless, I’d like to keep reading.

The setting feels thought out and unique. This opening is colored by many good specific setting details. The cast already seems like it will be diverse: elves(?) & dwarves & who knows what else.

This has a certain spark to it. It’s moving along well, and if there’s one thing that can do wonders for your story, it’s just keeping it moving along from one development/conflict to the next. I’m in.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/75604548-crown-of-rebellion

113. Cassandra Stirling, The Deep Space Between
     I like the chapter title for this one. It’s spunky and irreverent. The story doesn’t match the tone, tho, and that’s too bad. This is a bit somber and drawn out.

This has something of a Wednesday vibe, but not quite as cooky horror-fun. We’re in the real world, but with magical people. I’m not sure how common knowledge the existence of these practitioners is, but that’s okay.

I found the dialogue very natural, and the personal stakes/real-life tragic parting was relatable. The prose was competent enough, but … I feel the first chapter is twice as long as it needs to be.

It overstays its welcome, sadly. I find myself losing interest as the ordinary, low-stakes things happen. The story feels like it’s coming in the next chapter. This is all set up that won’t pay off.

We’re leaving the place we are, so spending even more time on it and the characters in it makes the story drag. I feel like the author is putting themself on the page and writing about a very real, lived-experience…

That’s to their credit. But I think they’ve spent too long on a single feeling. Things are happening, but the story isn’t moving. It’s maudlin. This one is really on the line for me. I’m interested in this person.

Less time spent on this parting with more time spent telling me about the magic society stuff I think would have won me over. But I pass.

114. Jay Tallsquall @Tallsquall, Legacy of the Vermillion Blade
     A boy born to a wealthy family is tied to a mysterious dark entity from birth. He has always heard a voice in his head telling him to do things he knows he shouldn’t. He only listens to it sometimes…

This has a very steady and intriguing opening. The storytelling and pleasantly un-rushed prose reminds me something of a Victorian novel.

The focus of this opening is not on action (well, more on that in a sec) but on character, and the wonderful, tantalizing mystery of this voice in our young MCs head. Not to mention the dark doings of his secretive father.

The names are excellent and the sparse details hint at a vibrant and expanding world. I’m very eager to know where this story will go and what inciting incident will spin everything into action.

I said this doesn’t start with action, but that isn’t quite true. The prologue (which is really section 1 of chapter 1) starts immediately with a clandestine birth in a hidden ritual chamber. It’s short, but effective.

That’s action, and boy does it create a lot of promise as a reader. Tallsquall does a wonderful job of telling the reader JUST enough to leave them wanting more. Now we sit and wait for the other shoe to drop.

I will say if the prologue had invested some more time to create a scene with the conflict that it almost off-handedly introduces in its final paragraph, it would have pulled me in even more.

Some things can be too obscure. But, that aside, this is a very intriguing and unique beginning. I like it’s sensibilities and am eager to see what the characters sound like in dialogue.

I’m also interested to see how Tallsquall explores what he calls “a fantasy story of love and loss through the lense of asexuality.” I’m in.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62952658-legacy-of-the-vermillion-blade

Day 38

115. Alexander Layne @AlexanderLayn13, The Bone Spear
     A knight makes his last stand against ghastly devils in the wonderfully dark world of this immediate, fantasy horror. Finally, he can die and rest. It’s over … or is it

This opening comes out swinging with sharp, poetically precise present-tense 3rd person prose that immediately grounds the reader in the world, action, and character.

I found myself immersed instantly in the resigned, even grateful death struggle of the MC this world that seems like it has literally gone to hell. The voice of the MC perfectly inhabits the narration.

Layne does a great job of anchoring the reader in character and action, giving us just enough setting details to wow us but not overwhelm us with information.

The action hits hard and fast and progresses a story that only gets more interesting as I read. I don’t want to give anything away. I just want you to read this and see how very effective it is.

It makes me think a little bit of the Witcher novels? Castlevania? Bloodborne? Hell, is it effective. Maybe the best use of present tense I’ve read so far. I’m in!
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/134711519-the-bone-spear

116. Brien Feathers @brien_feathers, Warlock of Muscovy
     A crew takes over an Alchemist’s ship, throwing the frozen dead into the icy sea, as a warlock tortures a captain who’s been divested of his iron limbs. A very cold open.

I want to commend the effectiveness of the details in this opening. They are specific and evocative, giving the reader a fuller sense of the gaslamp/steampunk setting page by page.

The characters feel distinct, tho I find myself more interested in the setting than in them, and that is because our story takes place so very in the middle of things I actually thought Amazon had started me on the wrong chapter.

It’s disorienting, esp. because the more I read the more I feel I’ve missed and the less I feel oriented in the story. The questions that pile up don’t intrigue, they confuse. I feel left out of the scene instead of drawn into it.

It does look like our narrative flashes back in chapter 2, but it seems like there’s an enormous amount of ground to cover. But! I do feel the prose and dialogue have enough promise to make me read on.

The setting is unique. The action of the story is well paced (though I think it starts in the wrong place). Our characters are morally gray to say the least, and the magic seems wicked.

I want to enjoy this, but I need to find my footing in it. Luckily, the quality is just enough to get me to read another chapter to see if I can. I’m in.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/133608792-warlock-of-muscovy

Day 39

My critique of the work in other authors’ work is in no way meant to suggest that I believe I could do any of it better than they have. It’s hard to steer a story right when you’re in the hot seat.

117. Nicole Pierman, Denu’s Curse
     This has a very effective opening line, introducing character and conflict – an unwanted arranged marriage. A few of these stories have started with a wedding, tho I think I’ve passed on all of them.

After the opening line, I find my interest in this waning. I think it’s because the narrative seems singularly interested in the MC to the exclusion of much else.

I don’t think all stories need to be written the same (no two of my own favorite novels are written alike), but I think I’m getting too little of the story here. We’re locked on how our MC feels, but who are these other people?

Where are we? What does this place look like? Who is this man she’s marrying? Who arranged the marriage? Why? Who is she actually in love with? I want more than just names, I want the story.

But we have our little wedding and nothing much happens. The scene is not a scene as such, just something physical on the page while our narrative can tell us the gist of what’s going on – just the gist tho.

The story seems to actually start on the wedding night. The conflict of our MC not wanting to consummate her marriage is promising, but I’m not very engaged by the scene or the characters. Pass.

118. Lorain O’Neil, The Liar’s Charms
     Grappling with how to approach my critique of this next opening. Too much voice. Too little of anything else. Too little detail. The details I do get come in short bursts and what feels like the wrong order.

We’re very much locked into our MC’s head. There’s a lot of “Wait. What? How did I get here?!” right there in the narration before I, as the reader, have any sense of where here is or where the MC was before.

Those details are not forthcoming until we hit dialogue. The dialogue is not how people talk, nor is it theatrically appealing. Its just kind of … dumb (sorry).

Something drastic has happened / is happening to change our MC’s life, and not for the best, but the prose, characters, and (limited) action of the opening are not appealing. Pass.

119. Joanna Maciejewska @AuthorJMac, Humanborn
     A magical cataclysm has changed the world and the people in it – but at least in this corner of Dublin, Ireland, the humans and the mythborn have learned to coexist … well, mostly.

I want to highlight this because, despite my sense that the story doesn’t starting in ch.1, the setting is colorful and unique, and I find the narrative voice inviting. It has a wry character to it.

And that wry character comes straight from our MC 1st person narrator. I don’t know much about her yet except that she’s human. The chapter is peppered with a few character details – Trinity College, some kind of court?

But it’s the allusions to careless giants destroying buildings, grubby looking Irish molekind standing on a corner, looking for trouble, and a cavalcade of bizarrely … changed people going about their lives on this dreary winter night that drew me in.

The rough start is that we’re following our MC on a walk waiting for something to happen, but nothing does. Ch1 functions as an introduction to the setting and character voice. I would have liked to be introduced to these things alongside a developing story. (You may disagree!)

And yet what I get is still enough for me to want to read on to see where we do go in this imaginative setting with this evocative MC. There’s a bit of an edge to her that I find charming, and I think the details here are really interesting. I’m in.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/63321299-humanborn